Saturday, April 26, 2008

Why Indiana SUCKS, pt. II

OK, this is the real reason Indiana sucks.

We were heading east on I-70. We're just about to get to the Ohio border, and there are signs saying that the left lane is closed ahead for construction. No big deal.

When we get to the next exit, the highway is completely shut down. OK, no problem. We exit. And then look around for several seconds, scanning for "Detour" signs. There are none.

We turn right, heading down U.S. Highway 27 toward Oxford, Ohio. There are no signs for an I-70 detour. After a few miles, we turn around and head back toward I-70. We finally see a very small sign, which is not visible from the exit ramp we were forced to take, that says, "I-70 East Detour"--naturally, it points to the I-70 West entrance ramp. We take it. At the next exit on westbound I-70, there is another very small detour sign. We exit and follow the sign. The next detour sign? It points to the goddamn eastbound I-70 entrance ramp, which we know forces you to exit at the next ramp. ARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!

It's about 2 or 3 in the morning. Nothing is open. TomTom is useless (it keeps telling us to head north on 27 and enter I-70 eastbound). And, oddly enough, I DON'T HAVE A MAP OF FUCKING RICHMOND, INDIANA WITH ME.

We finally find a convenience store that is open. The guy working there tells us to go to 27, head north, and get on I-70 east. I am waiting in the car, furiously blogging (my first anti-Indiana post in this blog), while my wife explains that the highway is closed there. He gives us alternate directions (on U.S. Highway 40, "National Road") that will eventually get us to I-70 eastbound. Thank you, Hoosier guy with crappy midnight shift convenience store job on Williamsburg Pike. You prevented a middle of the night spree-killing in your shitty state.

Note to the IDOT (hmmmmm, with an acronym like that, I'm not so surprised that they're IDiOTs): When you close a U.S. Interstate Highway, PUT UP MEANINGFUL DETOUR SIGNS, YOU FUCKTARDS! It would have taken just two signs (one on 27 and one more showing the turn on to U.S. 40) to help motorists who don't live in Richmond, IN.

Also, your state motto is: "The Crossroads of America." Really? Crossroads? More like "Dead End so you'll have to spend more money in our crappy state." That should be your motto, assholes of Indiana.

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Friday, April 25, 2008

Why Indiana SUCKS, pt. I

Since you are reading this blog, you know why I am driving across country.

So, we leave Milwaukee at 9:30 pm, to avoid Chicago traffic. This part of the plan works great.

We continue traveling, leaving the Land of Lincoln for the Hoosier state. Big mistake.

Never try to make a quick stop in Lafayette, IN, just to gas up and grab a drink. I pull into a gas station/convenience store. The store appears to be closed, but the pumps are on and accepting credit cards. At least I can gas up. While I'm pumping the gas, the clerk emerges from behind (not inside) the store. He smiles at us and then proceeds to smokes a cigarette. As we drive away to the McDonalds next door to get a Coke, he gives us a friendly wave. It is only later that I wonder if he really works there, or has dispatched the real employee, but can't find the keys, thus preventing him from opening the store.

At McDonalds, no one cheerfully greets me at the speaker. Finally, I say, "Hello?". A woman replies, "I'll be with you in a minute."

If only.

When she finally returns to the microphone about an hour later, she asks if she can take my "cash-only order."

"Maybe some other day," I respond as I drive off in a huff. I had cash, but put up a damn sign if you're running the only Luddite McDonalds franchise on the planet.

Up next, part II, wherein I rant about the fucktards who actually run the state.

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Indiana SUCKS!

Fuck this goddamn state and the fucktards who run it!