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Happy Birthday, Jan

2008-08-08T10:23:00.006-05:00

Yesterday was Mom's birthday.

Several family members were at the Outer Banks in North Carolina: my children, my sister and her family, my dad & stepmother. They corked some champagne and scattered some of Mom's ashes in the ocean. Heather sent an email about this, and we also got some nice responses from other family and friends (Aunt Judy, Anita, Dick and Nancy).

A co-worker wanted to go out to lunch, so I agreed but said that it had to be a special place to celebrate my Mom's birthday. So, we went out to Crawdaddy's, a local Cajun & Creole restaurant, and had a great lunch.

My wife and I decided to go out for dinner to celebrate Mom's birthday. We got all dressed up and went to Eddie Martini's. I was a little disappointed to see some very casual outfits on the other patrons, but that did not dampen the enthusiasm for our memorial meal. We toasted Mom with wine (Tracy) and whiskey sour (me), and enjoyed the fantastic food (a variation on Caesar salad, mahi mahi, steak medallions, and lobster risotto).

We passed on dessert, because Tracy had a craving for Gilles (Milwaukee locals will understand why). By the time we got to Gilles, she decided to get a pint to take home. I asked if we had anything to put on it, and Tracy answered, "Baileys," with a smile. But by the time we got home, neither one of us wanted to eat frozen custard, so we just toasted Mom one final time with a shot of Bailey's Irish Cream.

So, thanks Mom, for introducing me to Bailey's Irish Cream...and everything else.

Birthday

2008-07-18T10:42:00.003-05:00

Today's my birthday.

It's amazing how much you can miss the phone call you used to take for granted.

Memorial Gathering at Mount Vernon

2008-06-07T22:55:00.004-05:00

Today was Mom's memorial gathering. We got to the Mount Vernon Inn around 10:30 and started setting up. We had all done a lot of work on Friday, so the set-up was very smooth.

People started arriving shortly before eleven, and soon a large crowd filled the room. After the bartender gave out a few drinks, Sam asked Aunt Judy for a twenty to tip Patrick (the bartender). Patrick laughed when Sam handed him a twenty dollar bill, so the event was off to a great start.

Everyone talked in small groups, mingling about the room wherever the conversation took them.

Judy emceed the candle lighting, which went off without a hitch. All of Mom's siblings--Dudley, the oldest; Diane, the bossy big sister; and Judy, the youngest--lit candles (in that order). Next, us children lit candles--Brian, then me, and Heather. Finally, Kaitlin led the grandchildren: Eamonn, Sarah standing in for Chet and Owen, ending with Sam. It really was quite lovely.

At one time, Tracy counted 48 people in the room--many more than the thirty people we imagined might show up if the stars aligned properly and every single person on our little list showed up. And many of them stayed almost the entire time.

Brian started off the toast/remembrance portion of the evening. He told a great story about Mom smashing a pumpkin pie into his face one Thanksgiving. I was not at that particular family gathering and I had never heard that story! I guess some family secrets aren't embarrassing or shameful, just funny and touching.

Other people got up and told stories, some humorous (I read "Portrait By a Neighbor" by Edna St. Vincent Millay) and some serious (Mom helping someone leave an abusive relationship). I was very moved by all the stories--as were many in the room (as evidenced by the tears).

More later--my Tylenol PM is kicking in....

Travel

2008-06-05T10:28:00.002-05:00

We are at the airport, en route to the memorial gathering at the Mount Vernon Inn on Saturday. Projected temperature: 99 degrees. But we don't have to drive through Indiana. We don't even have to fly over the Hell-sier state! Woo-hoo!

Am I Psychic?

2008-06-02T09:59:00.006-05:00

I could not sleep last night. I made sure to drink no caffeine on Sunday, but I just could not fall asleep.

When I finally did, the phone rang.

It was my father, letting me know that Mom had died.

I could not then fall back asleep.

This morning, I have talked to several people by phone.

Apparently, the last forty-eight hours were bad; my father's assessment is that Mom was suffering. He was a bit angry with himself for falling asleep right before she died. I told him that he can't stay up forever. Doreen was there, checking on Mom every 10 minutes. So, she woke Dad up and that's that. Mom was very lucky to have such great friends. And I can't think of many exes who would be there thirty-two years after they split up.

My Heart Skips a Beat

2008-05-29T08:02:00.004-05:00

Yesterday (Wednesday) evening, I am at work, counting down the minutes until I can leave.

My cell phone rings and my heart skips a beat--it is my father's ringtone. Dreading "the call" (as I think of it), I answer.

Of course, nothing had really changed. He was just calling to see how I was, and give me an update.

It's sort of amusing (to me, anyway) how freaked out I was for a few seconds. I guess, the emotional roller coaster ride continues....

Another Update

2008-05-28T14:53:00.002-05:00

Another update:

Last night was rough but Dad was on duty. She was up most of the night and throwing up.
I stayed with her so dad could sleep til' about 1:30.
Gave her some meds for that.
Today had another bout so we cranked up some compazine.
Lots of visitors - Doreen, Kelly Gilbert, Kristin from her work.
She did some talking to Dad last night about the past (good things) and then this a.m. about Sam and would he remember her. Dad reassured and then talked about the other grandkids as well.

I don't know if this is uplifting or depressing. Or both.

Mom

2008-05-27T16:26:00.001-05:00

This just in from Heather via email

Hospice confirmed our suspicions today that Mom could pass away at any moment. She is sleeping a whole bunch, doesn't talk, and generally seems in the process of detaching from us. We know she is a fighter so she could surprise us all. Here's is hoping it's easy for her.

Phone Call

2008-05-27T14:11:00.003-05:00

I called Monday morning, but Mom asleep. Late in the afternoon (around quarter to 5, my time), Heather (a.k.a. Super Sister!) called me and said that Mom had just woken up, so I could call back in about ten minutes to talk to her after they had given Mom her meds.

Mom is not talking much anymore. In fact, on Sunday Heather said that she had completely stopped talking. So I didn't really expect to have a conversation; I assumed it would be a monologue for Mom's comfort.

I call. Heather puts me on speaker phone, and says she will 'translate' for me if need be. I'm still a little dazed from the phone call and now, less than 24 hours later, I can't remember exactly what happened, but part of the conversation went something like this. I thanked her for being my Mom, and then she said something I didn't understand. I uttered a confused, 'What?" and then Heather translated for me, "She said, 'You're welcome.'"

And that just about did me in. It's hard for me to even type this--those are the last words I will ever hear from my mother.

I held it together and managed to finish the monologue (I'm sure that if I could remember it, I could win a Pulitzer for it). Then my Dad said that he loved me. Now, what's unusual about this is that my parents got separated (and eventually divorced) over 30 years ago. I knew he was there to help my sister + brother-in-law with all the physical demands on them, but I didn't know he was in the room as I was saying my final good-byes to my Mom via speaker phone. That was kind of weird.

But, I'm a weird guy, so I guess that's fitting. :)

All of a Sudden

2008-05-26T00:08:00.002-05:00

All of a sudden, I started feeling numb.

It looks like the end is near, and I guess it's just starting to hit me. Heather sent an email today.


We are definitely getting close to the end.  She isn't talking much at all and doesn't want to.  Doesn't want visitors too long.  Doesn't really want to look at pictures and such. Part of the letting go.  She uses hand gestures to communicate.... breathing is slowing (but still pretty steady).  We have all told her our goodbyes and that we would be okay- Uncle Dud called today and I held the phone up for her.

I guess this is it.

Why Indiana SUCKS, pt. II

2008-04-26T06:55:00.002-05:00

OK, this is the real reason Indiana sucks.

We were heading east on I-70. We're just about to get to the Ohio border, and there are signs saying that the left lane is closed ahead for construction. No big deal.

When we get to the next exit, the highway is completely shut down. OK, no problem. We exit. And then look around for several seconds, scanning for "Detour" signs. There are none.

We turn right, heading down U.S. Highway 27 toward Oxford, Ohio. There are no signs for an I-70 detour. After a few miles, we turn around and head back toward I-70. We finally see a very small sign, which is not visible from the exit ramp we were forced to take, that says, "I-70 East Detour"--naturally, it points to the I-70 West entrance ramp. We take it. At the next exit on westbound I-70, there is another very small detour sign. We exit and follow the sign. The next detour sign? It points to the goddamn eastbound I-70 entrance ramp, which we know forces you to exit at the next ramp. ARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!

It's about 2 or 3 in the morning. Nothing is open. TomTom is useless (it keeps telling us to head north on 27 and enter I-70 eastbound). And, oddly enough, I DON'T HAVE A MAP OF FUCKING RICHMOND, INDIANA WITH ME.

We finally find a convenience store that is open. The guy working there tells us to go to 27, head north, and get on I-70 east. I am waiting in the car, furiously blogging (my first anti-Indiana post in this blog), while my wife explains that the highway is closed there. He gives us alternate directions (on U.S. Highway 40, "National Road") that will eventually get us to I-70 eastbound. Thank you, Hoosier guy with crappy midnight shift convenience store job on Williamsburg Pike. You prevented a middle of the night spree-killing in your shitty state.

Note to the IDOT (hmmmmm, with an acronym like that, I'm not so surprised that they're IDiOTs): When you close a U.S. Interstate Highway, PUT UP MEANINGFUL DETOUR SIGNS, YOU FUCKTARDS! It would have taken just two signs (one on 27 and one more showing the turn on to U.S. 40) to help motorists who don't live in Richmond, IN.

Also, your state motto is: "The Crossroads of America." Really? Crossroads? More like "Dead End so you'll have to spend more money in our crappy state." That should be your motto, assholes of Indiana.

Why Indiana SUCKS, pt. I

2008-04-25T08:02:00.003-05:00

Since you are reading this blog, you know why I am driving across country.

So, we leave Milwaukee at 9:30 pm, to avoid Chicago traffic. This part of the plan works great.

We continue traveling, leaving the Land of Lincoln for the Hoosier state. Big mistake.

Never try to make a quick stop in Lafayette, IN, just to gas up and grab a drink. I pull into a gas station/convenience store. The store appears to be closed, but the pumps are on and accepting credit cards. At least I can gas up. While I'm pumping the gas, the clerk emerges from behind (not inside) the store. He smiles at us and then proceeds to smokes a cigarette. As we drive away to the McDonalds next door to get a Coke, he gives us a friendly wave. It is only later that I wonder if he really works there, or has dispatched the real employee, but can't find the keys, thus preventing him from opening the store.

At McDonalds, no one cheerfully greets me at the speaker. Finally, I say, "Hello?". A woman replies, "I'll be with you in a minute."

If only.

When she finally returns to the microphone about an hour later, she asks if she can take my "cash-only order."

"Maybe some other day," I respond as I drive off in a huff. I had cash, but put up a damn sign if you're running the only Luddite McDonalds franchise on the planet.

Up next, part II, wherein I rant about the fucktards who actually run the state.

Indiana SUCKS!

2008-04-25T03:15:00.002-05:00

Fuck this goddamn state and the fucktards who run it!

I Don't Like Mondays

2008-04-21T12:52:00.004-05:00

If you work a regular job, Mondays suck. We all know that.

All Mondays suck but some Mondays are more sucky than others.

Today, my brother-in-law's wife had a heart attack. She's in ICU right now. And as far as I know, she's still not conscious.

Somehow, when pulling my car out of the garage to take my daughter to school (as my wife rushed off to the hospital), the garage door started going down. Crunch.

Luckily, it wasn't raining today, so off we drove. It was almost like having a convertible. (Alas--for my poor wallet, anyway--I no longer have a convertible.)

Let's see how many clichés (besides "I Don't Like Mondays") I can come up with to describe today:

Monday, Monday, Can't Trust That Day
When It Rains, It Pours
When Bad Things Happen to Good People
Things come in threes

This last one worries me to most. Three? OK, dryer, car, garage. Mom, Jane, ???? Or does two sets mean you square it and get 9 things?

Road Trip Preparations, pt. I

2008-04-16T17:16:00.001-05:00

OK,trip preparation task #1 (of 958) is done!

All our readers will get to experience our road trip vicariously
(Blackberry-induced typos included). Woo-hoo!

What's that in the road ahead?
What's that in the road, a head?

--
La Condesa: (alarmed) Pooji Dung?
Madeleine: I see the name is familiar.

Road Trip Preparations I

2008-04-16T17:09:00.001-05:00

Third time's the charm....

I'm testing my ability to post from my Blackberry.

Keep your fingers crossed....

--
La Condesa: (alarmed) Pooji Dung?
Madeleine: I see the name is familiar.

Road Trip!

2008-04-16T09:18:00.010-05:00

We have decided to take the kids out to see Mom. Given the short time-frame (we want to go this weekend or next weekend at the latest), airfare was astronomical (over $2000 total for a family of four). So, we've decided to do something I have not done in ten years--drive to Virginia.

I really don't like to drive. But last year we drove to Alabama for vacation (Gulf Shores is lovely in April) and I drove to Ohio for a college reunion. It's like I was prepping for the marathon drive to Virginia (although the drive to Alabama was probably further...checking...yes, 200 miles more, according to Google Maps). Still, driving to a vacation is a lot more fun than driving to visit a dying parent.

I think the visit itself will be nice. And I am going to remain optimistic that the drive itself won't be too bad.

I like to listen to audiobooks (the art form formerly known as 'books on tape') on long drives. I tried it on the Alabama trip, but no one else would listen to the books with me. Stupid iPods and PSPs. So the best I can hope for is to make a bunch of annoying CDs and torment my family with them. Ahhhh, good times ahead!

(Alternatively, RedBox allows you to rent movies in one location and return them in a different location--very smart business plan. I wonder how long before Blockbuster tries it. Two years? Three?)

I should set up this blog to accept posts via email; then I can torture blog-readers by posting excruciating details of the drive, like: Just passed mile marker 75! and Gas Prices in eastern Indiana and What was that on the side of the road? and Why we will only eat at Stuckey's on this trip and Should we pick up this hitchhiker--or run him/her/it over? and, finally, Just passed mile marker 78! Wouldn't that be an exciting three miles?

Anger. Can denial, bargaining, depression, and accceptance be far behind?

2008-04-14T11:03:00.004-05:00

OK, so to start with, I'm angry. Here's a few things that have ticked me off.

First, back in the last millennium (i.e., the 1990's), Mom had fibroid tumors on her ovaries. Despite being around 50 years old, despite having had a tubal ligation over two decades earlier, despite the fact that she didn't want to have any more children, the doctors decide to wait to remove them--until menopause was over. Why? I wondered why then and, to this day, I continue to wonder. It made no sense to wait (from my non-medically-trained perspective), but wait they did. Mom had a full hysterectomy a few years later.

And now, about 15 years later, she is dying from endometrial cancer. What is endometrial cancer, you wonder? Why, it's cancer of the uterus. Because that's where the first tumors were (or close enough, if I remember my high school biology correctly--the ovaries are not actually in the uterus itself), so the doctors say she's dying of endometrial cancer. Kind of odd--dying of uterine cancer when you don't have a uterus. Anyway, I'm angry that they didn't just give her a hysterectomy when the tumors first appeared. We don't know that such an operation would have made anything better now, but it wouldn't have hurt anything back then.

Second, the surgeon scheduled to do the surgery today canceled the surgery last Friday afternoon. Have a nice weekend! I understand why, from a logical perspective, but that doesn't diminish my anger.

I'm sure I could think of more things to be angry about, but that's enough to get started.

Mom has cancer

2008-04-14T10:55:00.000-05:00

So, Mom has cancer. Has had it for years. Despite many surgeries and at least two different chemotherapy treatments, things are not looking good.

This is where we will blog about the experience. The good, the bad, and everything in between.