A MODEST PROPOSAL

All little old ladies shall be searched upon attempted entry to any type of entertainment venue. If they are found to be carrying anything even remotely resembling a plastic bag that might produce an audible rustling sound, they will be taken to a comfy jail cell where they shall be forced to watch their favorite television programs while WHO LET THE DOGS OUT is played full blast over loudspeakers, drowning out the sound, after which they will be asked if they've gotten the point. An affirmative response will result in release with a warning, a negative response will result in further sessions with increasingly abrasive music.

Repeat offenders will be dropped in the East River, their plastic bags tied over their heads.

NUKE AMERICAN IDOL

Need I say more? I used to watch it because my partner watched it, but it has just become too boody predictable. Guess what's happening this year. Some really grotesquely untalented moron manages to stay on the show while others with even a modicum of talent are voted off. Surprised? Puhleeze. It happens every goddamn year.

And to add to the shock and surprise: Paula Abdul mutters mutilated self-help New Age crap about these idiots having beautiful souls and maturing as artists, while Randy calls everyone "dog" and says "Yeeeeah" and Simon keeps making comments that might have some vague semblance of intelligence if he didn't waste time telling people how rude he isn't being.

JURY DUTY

As if AMERICAN IDOL wasn't a serious enough blow to my respect for Americans, I have to sit through jury duty this week and endure an endless parade of dim bulbs being asked questions that they have been told how to answer and who just keep on answering incorrectly anyway. I mean, come on folks, either you can remain goddamn impartial or you can't remain goddamn impartial!!! Figure it the fuck out!!!!

DEAL NO DEAL
No. No fucking deal. No goddamn deal.

300
I saw a clip from 300 this weekend. Basically, two guys in capes and speedos slicing effortlessly through an endless procession of heavily armed and armoured soldiers, trading quips as throats are nimbly cut and limbs are effortlessly severed. I thought Ancient Greece was the Age of Bronze, not the Age of the Ginzu knife. I was waiting for one of these guys to turn to the camera and slice open a Coke can.

I'm in a bitchy mood. I'm feeling like a cunt. Get over it.